Monthly Archives: October 2009

>Realizations

>1. I’ve come to realize that my hair: is never going to curl or wave of its own accord.

2. I’ve come to realize that when I talk: I tend to say the same things over and over to different people.

3. I’ve come to realize that if I make a mistake: I replay it in my head until I remember to pray it over to God.

4. I’ve come to realize that all I really need: is Love.

5. I’ve come to realize that I’ve lost: my ability to sleep past 8:00 in the morning.

6. I’ve come to realize that I hate: waste, of any sort.

7. I’ve come to realize that if I were to get drunk: I’d probably end up naked.

8. I’ve come to realize that money: is something I’ve never had to worry about.

9. I’ve come to realize that when I get old: I will still have the heart of a four-year-old, delighting at fat furry animals, shiny pink objects, and farting.

10. I’ve come to realize that I’ll always be: a little bit greedy for approval and attention.

11. I’ve come to realize that I have a crush on: Zac Efron

12. I’ve come to realize that the last time I cried: was a self-induced stress-release mechanism rather than any real pain.

13. I’ve come to realize that my cell phone: is packed with features I will never use.

14. I’ve come to realize that when I wake up in the morning: I have to eat something within thirty minutes.

15. I’ve come to realize that before I go to sleep at night, I: need to turn my brain off of schoolwork for at least fifteen minutes.

16. I’ve come to realize that right now I am thinking about: how long I can go without turning my heat on.

17. I’ve come to realize that my life: is a gift.

18. I’ve come to realize that when I get on Facebook: I remember why I quit it in the first place.

19. I’ve come to realize that today I will: get to sleep a little later in the morning…which just means I’ll stay up a little later doing homework, if I can stay awake.

20. I’ve come to realize that tonight I will: not finish everything I would like to finish.

21. I’ve come to realize that tomorrow I will: have a pretty long day.

22. I’ve come to realize that I really want to: skip my Wednesday evening class.

23. I’ve come to realize that the person who is most likely to repost this is: no one.

24. I’ve come to realize that relationships are: messy but indispensable.

25. I’ve come to realize that love: is really hard sometimes but absolutely necessary.

26. I’ve come to realize my best guy friends: are very few and not very close at all. I like it that way.

27. I’ve come to realize my best girl friends: are everything I want to be even as they help me see myself more clearly.

28. I’ve come to realize food: is always going to be a little more complicated for me than others.

29: I’ve come to realize that this summer: was a time of growth and healing.

30. I’ve come to realize heartbreak: is part of the growing process, but still unpleasant.

31. I’ve come to realize that my parents: really do want what’s best for me.

32. I’ve come to realize that my sister: is someone I choose.

33. I’ve come to realize that crying: is not a form of emotional expression that I typically use.

34. I’ve come to realize that death: is mostly an abstraction to me.

35. I’ve come to realize that if I’m sick: I usually lose my voice.

36. I’ve come to realize when I’m bored: I am more likely to fall asleep.

37. I’ve come to realize that my sibling(s): is growing up without me.

38. I’ve come to realize that work: can be fun! Or horribly, horribly, horrible.

39. I’ve come to realize that family: is the formative force in a child’s life.

40. I’ve come to realize when I go shopping: I make lists and try to buy only what I actually need.

41. I’ve come to realize that my car: is as long as a minivan, which is kind of annoying when parking small spaces.

42. I’ve come to realize my boyfriend/girlfriend: is going to need a lot of patience and grace.

43. I’ve come to realize that God: loves me.

44. I’ve come to realize I let out my emotions by: journaling and talking to my friends.

45. I’ve come to realize I wish I would’ve: learned to play violin in fourth grade.

46. I’ve come to realize that high school: was not really as bad as I thought it was at the time and immediately afterward.

47. I’ve come to realize that music: usually fades into the background of whatever I am doing while listening to it.

48. I’ve come to realize that time: goes on and on.

49. I’ve come to realize that books: are perhaps mankind’s greatest invention.

50. I’ve come to realize that nature: speaks to the wild part of my heart

51. I’ve come to realize that sunsets: are not as wonderful as sunrises.

52. I’ve come to realize that secrets: don’t tend to stay secret with me for very long.

53. I’ve come to realize that hugs: are my primary physical expression of affection.

54. I’ve come to learn that smiles: are powerful.

55. I’ve come to realize that laughter: is the least common denominator.

56. I’ve come to realize that tears: are salty.

57. I’ve come to realize that faith: comes from experience but is independent of circumstances.

58. I’ve come to realize that trust: is very difficult for me to give wisely.

59. I’ve come to realize that hot cocoa: is gratefully accepted by people who have just jumped into a lake in mid-November.

60. I’ve come to realize that political parties: are not something I fit into very well.

61. I’ve come to realize that life: is about glorifying God.

>Spiritual Squirreliness

>
I’ve noticed that October seems to be a perennially intense month in terms of my spiritual life. How I come out of October seems to set the course for the next few months, if not the entire year. This is a pattern that has recurred since at least junior year of high school.

I just read that the squirrels in New England are stashing away lots of acorns in preparation for what may be a brutal winter, any maybe that’s what October is for me too, a time to encounter God closely to draw strength I need for the long winter, when physical and emotional lows often add up (or perhaps come from) spiritual lows as well. I’ll certainly need it this year with classes and student teaching coming to a head winter quarter. But I’m hopeful that it will turn out well because I am greedy for more of God’s spirit this October. I want to be more like You, Lord: stronger, more gracious, more loving, more merciful, more forgiving, more patient. Winterize me, Jesus!

>Conflict Resolution

>My best friend said something very wise a few weeks ago: “Conflict increases your love ability.”

While it’s true that I don’t find myself angry or annoyed with people nearly as often as I used to, there is still a distance between not hating someone and actively loving them. And sometimes love is not being warm and fuzzy chummy-chums; sometimes it is the simple act of extending grace to someone who drives you nuts. I’m experiencing this with a few people in my program now that we see so much of each other; some of them have attitudes and mannerisms that just rub me the wrong way, but I try really hard not to strike out in vengeance. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail, but playing along and pretending to agree with them to avoid conflict is not really an option I prefer anymore.

And sometimes love is letting go of the past. A few weeks ago my old boyfriend sent me a “What’s up” type e-mail that began a tentative detente that has since progressed to thaw the frostiness of our last encounter. This week I sent him a message about something I’d learned about in class that he might find interesting, and his reply told me more about his personal life than I had been prepared for. At first I wasn’t sure how I felt or how I supposed to feel, but I called him yesterday and our conversation was, for me at least, a really good one. It showed me that while I still care greatly about him, “the passion of pity…the ache that draws men to concede what should not be conceded and to flatter when they should speak truth…” had indeed died in me. And I am willing to let that die now, so that it does not kill me! I still ache sometimes for what might have been, but that is the exception rather than the norm, and I am learning to let that go, not just in this situation but in general.

I’d like to add that conflict is also a byproduct of your loveability. I usually manage to avoid conflict by surrounding myself with people who generally agree with me, which is in some ways taking the easy way out. My real, close friends are in fact the ones I can and do constructively disagree with, for I am only brave enough to disagree with someone I know will not abandon me for it, and I know that through prior experience with them. (This was actually one of the major problems in my last relationship, come to think of it.) There must always be that first, “I don’t think so,” and it is definitely a risk, but it reveals the true depth of that friendship. The same goes for marriage, I think: I can’t marry someone who agrees with me on everything because neither of us would ever grow out of our weak spots. That’s pretty scary to think about sometimes, but I guess that’s where commitment and love can stabilize and secure the situation.