>fear of bliss

>I seem to have developed the unfortunate habit of only posting once a month. (Actually, it’s just a manifestation of an existing habit of withdrawing from the world when I’m having a hard time.) I am recovering from a not insignificant meltdown precipitated by my long-standing and profound fear of…joy.

Just when I was closer than ever to the teacher and missionary God has called me to be, I had an involuntary Jonah reflex, but instead of hating the people I’m supposed to minister to, I turned on myself as a way of subconsciously running from God. It’s very strange because it’s not like I even wanted to, and in fact I would be having a perfectly good day, then suddenly I am warring against my own body with unprecedented violence. I finally scared myself straight last week, but I’m afraid that will only last so long…

I’m sad because I still don’t trust God enough to give me good things in abundance. I’m sad that I am still, at some level, tensed up waiting for the next shoe to drop. I’m sad that even though I’ve forgiven the person for leaving, I haven’t quite forgiven God for letting him go, and that fear of loss still clouds my vision. And I hate that I’ve given the enemy this weapon to use against me when I’m so close to being free.

“Sometimes I feel it’s all just too big to be true
I sabotage myself for fear of what my bigness could do”
-Alanis Morissette, “Fear of Bliss”

But I do have hope that this will pass. I don’t know how or when, but I do know that God doesn’t want this for me, and maybe I can come to want better for myself.

[edit] I also realized that even though I don’t trust God nearly as well as I’d like to, I do trust Him enough so that my doubt doesn’t scare me quite so much as it used to. It’s comforting to think that, despite it all, I am still on my way to keeping God in His proper place and me in mine. [/edit]


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