A different letter

Dear Andy,

(Surely no one has ever called you that before, huh?) I don’t expect that you will ever read this, and I think it is best to keep the door closed, but this is my small cry to a once-close heart that I am perhaps understanding better now than ever.

I think that I am now in the deep, unrelenting void that took you away from me and the rest of the world.  (This is not, of course, how I would have chosen to understand, and I got here in my own way separate from you.)  Now I too feel like I’m being asked to do something I simply can, or will, not do, and I’m sorry I never gave you credit for at least standing up for what you thought was true.  You just wanted to know what was true, isn’t that what you said?  I can’t say that I’d be brave enough to do what you did.  I’m sorry that I couldn’t understand before, that I blamed you for “choosing” despair.  I’m sorry for offering platitudes that only made it feel worse, for not knowing any better.  I’m sorry for thinking (even now a little bit) that I could have saved you or changed your mind.  You are your own person with your own heart and mind, and I’m sorry I wasn’t able to respect that better.

I can’t change the past, and I’m no longer sure I can change the present and future.  But I just wanted to say sorry.


Brown-eyed Girl


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