Around this time last year, I wrote down a quote from a book but not the book’s title or author. (English major fail.) But through the magic of Google which runs my life, I have ascertained that it is Atonement, by Ian McEwan. I love the Interwebs.
“That night creatures were drawn to lights where they could be most easily eaten by other creatures was one of those mysteries which gave her modest pleasure….Even though they might be eaten, they had to obey the instinct that made them seek out the darkest place, on the far side of the light….it was the visual impression of an even deeper darkness beyond the light that drew them in.”
At the time, I was convinced that I was forever going to be a night creature–how else to explain my affinity for the bright and shiny people of the world, if not opposites attract? And my greatest fear was that my darkness would overwhelm anyone who got close to me, so I withdrew and withheld from the world and myself, and therefore it seemed like God withdrew from me.
When I decided to leave my job, at first it was because I thought, “These students are better off without me.” Still the same pattern of shrinking toward the darkness. Then it was, “I am better off without this job.” At which point I finally broke through the darkness to the light on the other side.
I am now (finally) starting Boundaries in Dating, and the chapter I read last night talked out being light to attract light. (Or to use a more chemical metaphor, like dissolves like. It’s polarity, fool.) I believe now that I can in fact live in the light the way my favorite people do, which is not to say that my life is not without dark spots, but that those need not overwhelm.
John 3:21 – But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.
Truth and light, how fitting that they are equivalent. I’ve told myself and others a lot of lies in the last two years, and I think that’s what got me into the dark place. Now I am seeking ways to see and tell the truth again, in all areas of my life.
I’m also trying light therapy, since my mood typically crashes around November when the days start getting short. My parents recently bought me a full-spectrum lamp, which my dad dubbed “the happy light” and I think that is an apt and adorable sobriquet for the device. (I am also really tempted to draw a giant smiley face on it.) Photography is also making me immensely happy, and what is photography all about if not light? Hence, happy light.