Monthly Archives: October 2012

This post is a conglomerate of several days’ journal entries. I am posting this now as a reminder, during this current inexplicable bout of anxiety, that all is good. I suppose elation never lasts long, but I believe that faith, hope, and love have burrowed more deeply in my heart than ever before and that is what carries me through.

How long has it been since I’ve been this happy with who I am? At least three years, since early graduate school. How interesting that the thread of Africa runs throughout this time, and again I say no. This time not because I think I am afraid, but because I don’t see the need to escape from my dissatisfaction with myself. I’ve stopped trying to be something I’m not, and that is making all the difference. (10/12/12)

“Desire was its own reward and a rarer luxury than you’d think….She longed to long; she pined to pine.” –The Post-Birthday World, Lionel Shriver

I’m content for the first time in many years, and I think has the slightly unexpected effect of not wanting to ask for anything else. Now that I feel and believe that I lack nothing that I need, there is a curious lack of want, that I almost enjoy for the relative peace it brings. But I’m so used to discontent that it feels a little strange, and I know that passion and desire are significant driving forces in my life. It’s not that I don’t feel excited by what I’m doing…quite the contrary, I’m doing lots of what I love and loving most of what I do. So why this tiny flicker of wanting to want more? (10/13/12)

Certainly it must be for the freedom to desire God that my physical and emotional needs are fully met right now. And yet it’s odd because desire is by definition directed toward what is lacking, yet I feel more fully the presence of God now that all my pieces and parts are coming together, by his grace. Is this what it is like to want and treasure what I already have? I know this is something I need to be married, to be able to look at someone and still want them even as I know they actually are there to stay. I haven’t met anyone like that, or maybe I haven’t had that secure of a relationship since my first. My dating life has been characterized by inaccessibility on some level or other, on the part of both sides. If one of my strengths is living life in the open, though, then this guardedness is perhaps not truly me after all. (10/14/12)

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30 Dreams in 30 Years: 2015

Year 3 (2015): Complete a novel to publishable state. Whether or not I actually publish is another matter.

30 Dreams in 30 Years: 2014

Year 2 (2014): Work full-time for myself or as a freelancer. I will probably be doing seven different jobs, but that’s how I roll.

So I’ve picked challenge #20 from 30 Challenges for 30 Days because I’m one of those people who sees the words “existential shock therapy” and goes, “Oooh, fun!” My task is thus: “Think of an accomplishment you’d like to achieve for each year of the next 30 years, a year each day.”

30 Dreams in 30 Years

So I’ve picked challenge #20 from 30 Challenges for 30 Days because I’m one of those people who sees the words “existential shock therapy” and goes, “Oooh, fun!” My task is thus: “Think of an accomplishment you’d like to achieve for each year of the next 30 years, a year each day.”

Year 1 (2013): Travel (and stay, at least for part of the time) somewhere by myself. Possible candidates: Seattle/PNW, San Francisco, New York City, Boston, South of France (Hell, why not?!) – October 8, 2012

Year 2 (2014): Work full-time for myself or as a freelancer. I will probably be doing seven different jobs, but that’s how I roll. – October 9, 2012

Year 3 (2015): Complete a novel to publishable state. Whether or not I actually publish is another matter. – October 10, 2012

Year 4 (2016): Attend the Olympics in Rio de Janeiro or, failing that, travel somewhere south of the equator. – October 11, 2012

Year 5 (2017): I will be 30 years old! Several of my last few goals have been related to travel and adventure, maybe escape in some sense. So maybe at thirty, I’d like to purchase a home or some other propetry, maybe the co-working space or a bed and breakfast, and start putting down roots. – October 12, 2012

Year 6 (2018): In keeping with the rooting process begun the previous year, I’d like to start either the adoption or fostering process by this point in my life. I’ve spent the vast majority of my life as a single woman, and I’m starting to think that I could, in fact, raise a child on my own. It would probably have to be a girl, though, because I still don’t understand quite how boys work anatomically. – October 13, 2012

Year 7 (2019): I would like to knit a sweater I myself would not mind wearing. Most of my yarn-based creations are for tiny humans because A) I’m lazy; and B) They are cuter than I am. But eventually my needles should probably yield something suitable for grown-up adornment. – October 14, 2012

Year 8 (2020): In honor of the optometrically auspicious year number, I would like to get visual corrective surgery. I’ve been told that I’m not a good candidate for Lasik, but by then I’m sure they will have honed the implantable contact lens procedure to a satisfactory point…or come up with something better. Sayonara, glasses and contacts! – October 15, 2012

Year 9 (2021): Learn to play guitar. I missed the hip Christian wave in high school–not that I’d want to be that now–but it’s something I wish I knew how to do. Or, to really challenge myself, learn to play the violin. -October 16, 2012

Year 10 (2022): I will be 35 years old. If I’m going to jump out of an airplane during my lifetime, I should probably do it by this point or risk not doing it all. I don’t think I’m going to pull a George Bush Sr. and jump when I’m 80. -October 17, 2012

Year 11 (2023): Read The Count of Monte Cristo or some other appropriately epic classic. -October 18, 2012

Year 12 (2024): Successfully grow enough vegetables to construct a sufficiently epic salad by my standards. -October 19, 2012

Year 13 (2025): Visit every country in the United Kingdom. (Not necessarily all in one year, just by this point.) -October 20, 2012

Year 14 (2026): Complete some sort of endurance athletic event. Most likely cycling, but I could possibly be convinced to do a sprint triathlon.