This post is a conglomerate of several days’ journal entries. I am posting this now as a reminder, during this current inexplicable bout of anxiety, that all is good. I suppose elation never lasts long, but I believe that faith, hope, and love have burrowed more deeply in my heart than ever before and that is what carries me through.
How long has it been since I’ve been this happy with who I am? At least three years, since early graduate school. How interesting that the thread of Africa runs throughout this time, and again I say no. This time not because I think I am afraid, but because I don’t see the need to escape from my dissatisfaction with myself. I’ve stopped trying to be something I’m not, and that is making all the difference. (10/12/12)
“Desire was its own reward and a rarer luxury than you’d think….She longed to long; she pined to pine.” –The Post-Birthday World, Lionel Shriver
I’m content for the first time in many years, and I think has the slightly unexpected effect of not wanting to ask for anything else. Now that I feel and believe that I lack nothing that I need, there is a curious lack of want, that I almost enjoy for the relative peace it brings. But I’m so used to discontent that it feels a little strange, and I know that passion and desire are significant driving forces in my life. It’s not that I don’t feel excited by what I’m doing…quite the contrary, I’m doing lots of what I love and loving most of what I do. So why this tiny flicker of wanting to want more? (10/13/12)
Certainly it must be for the freedom to desire God that my physical and emotional needs are fully met right now. And yet it’s odd because desire is by definition directed toward what is lacking, yet I feel more fully the presence of God now that all my pieces and parts are coming together, by his grace. Is this what it is like to want and treasure what I already have? I know this is something I need to be married, to be able to look at someone and still want them even as I know they actually are there to stay. I haven’t met anyone like that, or maybe I haven’t had that secure of a relationship since my first. My dating life has been characterized by inaccessibility on some level or other, on the part of both sides. If one of my strengths is living life in the open, though, then this guardedness is perhaps not truly me after all. (10/14/12)