I’ve been gnawing on the concept of prophetic imagination since our discussion in church on Sunday. (I am borrowing the phrase but not the precise Walter-Brueggeman meaning.) Having mostly internalized the idea of God ultimately giving us what we want when we go our own way, I am now working my way around the idea that we live out what we believe is true and therefore have a lot of say in what will happen to us. (That should be the nail in the coffin of my Calvinism, but I suspect it will rise zombie-like from the grave on more than one occasion.)
I wrote the following:
Lord God, forgive again and cast out my impatience. Help me to have faith in your vision for my life. Will you reveal that vision to me, God, or at least a tiny peek when my imagination fails?
Then I paused. To breathe. To see.
I see…a safe and loving marriage where we never tire of talking to each other. Where we play all the time, where life is an adventure, where together we turn our focus outward.
Aw. That’s nice. Sort of Pollyanna, but cute. And…probably not very realistic.
Yesterday, though, in the spirit of the season, I had a moderately earth-shaking epiphany today while sitting in the steam room after a spinning class in which I participated perhaps just a bit too vigorously. (It’s been a somewhat frustrating week/month.)
I realized that many of my relational actions in the last 12 months (and probably longer) have been driven by the belief that what I wanted out of a relationship, and believed to be God’s best, was permanently forfeit. Unattainable. Gone. Why? Because I kissed a boy and I liked it, for lack of a better explanation.(Well, and largely because said boy and my general upbringing said we should feel guilty about liking it, etc. etc.) So when I thought I would never be allowed to have what I’d always wanted, I sort of lost it. Gave up. Gave in. Figured I had already given away too much, so why not just keep going and at least have a good time?
Except, I realized, I haven’t. (Despite all my misguided efforts to the contrary.) And even if I had, there is forgiveness and grace and healing and redemption. But since all is not lost anyway, I still have a chance. And now I will act to protect that.