Tag Archives: perseverance

Fear and (self)Loathing in Columbus

I’ll admit that I hit the wall kind of hard the last few days.  It became quite obvious how attached I remain to my job and the status and security that comes with it when I had a meltdown after hearing the job at Metro had likely been filled already, and being told that they’d hired someone else for the Leadership Worthington position.  I started spinning my wheels, wondering whether I should retract my resignation and trying to persuade myself that I could make another year in Lima work.  The thing is, I possibly could: I’ve improved significantly in my mental and emotional health (though I still feel like I have a long, long way to go) and I had been working on finally making some connections with people outside of school (albeit very, very, very slowly).

I could make it work…I’m just not sure I want to.  “Where there’s a will, there’s a way”–if this is true, is the inverse also true–where there is no will, there is no way?  Speaking from my own recovery experience, yes, it is, and I don’t know that God ever forces us to do anything.  But let’s leave Calvinistic mind-wrestling out of this, except to bring up the patently distorted belief I still carry that there is exactly one correct way to live my life, and the fear that I am about to go the wrong way–and thus be abandoned–is the source of my present angst.  The Bible is quite clear:

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you….The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” -Deuteronomy 31:6,8

The only reason I want to go back right now is because I’m afraid I won’t find a job here, afraid of the unknown, and possibly afraid of being happier and more whole than I was all last year.  If I do decide to go back to my old position, I don’t want it to be because of fear.  In the immortal words of Yoda, fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering, a path I lived out all too vividly for the last two years.

I also know that I need to stop thinking in terms of a “perfect” or “dream” job, not just because there will be parts of any job that I don’t like at times, but more importantly because my job can not define who I am.  It’s obvious how much it still does by the way I’m reacting to its loss, even though I gave it up voluntarily.  It’s hard for me to know who I am apart from what I do because actions are discretely measurable while the qualities I wish to cultivate in my being are much less so.

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